How to stop passing your sh*t down the line

The difficult part is that many of the behaviours we eventually want to change once helped us survive. Perfectionism may have kept you safe. People-pleasing may have stopped conflict. Hyper-independence may have developed because you couldn't rely on anyone. Achievement may have brought approval. Alcohol, drugs, food, work, spending or endless distraction may have helped you escape feelings you didn't know how to process.

So instead of endlessly asking "What's wrong with me?", it can be much more useful to ask "What was this behaviour trying to do for me — and do I still need it now?"

Generational trauma in adulthood can look like anxiety, difficulty trusting people, unhealthy relationships, poor boundaries, fear of rejection, emotional shutdown, overworking, overgiving, addiction or feeling permanently responsible for everybody else's wellbeing. Not every struggle comes from trauma, but when the same patterns repeat across generations, they're worth getting curious about.

For many of us, that's the reality. You can't go back and parent with knowledge you didn't have then, but that doesn't mean it's too late. You can start now. You can apologise. You can listen without defending yourself. You can acknowledge what you got wrong. You can respect your adult children's boundaries, have conversations your own parents couldn't have and learn healthier ways to respond.

And if you're the adult child waiting for somebody else to acknowledge what happened, healing may eventually mean accepting that they never will. Taking responsibility for what happens next is not the same as taking responsibility for what happened to you. You can say: this affected me, and I am no longer willing to let it run my life.

It means noticing your triggers and patterns, understanding your family story, learning what happens in your body when you feel threatened, getting support where you need it and practising repair rather than expecting perfection. Therapy, trauma-informed counselling, CBT, EMDR, somatic approaches, support groups and addiction support can all help, depending on what you've experienced.

It also means recognising that you inherited more than pain. You may have inherited humour, resilience, loyalty, creativity, determination, generosity and love. Healing isn't about rejecting your family; it's about becoming the editor of your inheritance. Keep what's good. Question what's harmful. Heal what you can. Decide consciously what gets passed on.

Most of our parents weren't deliberately trying to damage us. They were parenting with their own history, wounds, circumstances and level of awareness — just as their parents did before them. You can understand that and still acknowledge that something hurt you. You can love somebody and have boundaries. You can feel compassion for their story without continuing to live inside it.

At some point in every family, someone has the opportunity to say: this stops with me. They start therapy. They talk about things that were previously hidden. They apologise. They parent differently. They choose different relationships. They become the person who disrupts the pattern — which can sometimes make them look like the difficult one when they're actually trying to heal it.