What your oldest self wants you to do while there is still time

We often treat regret as a feeling to avoid. But regret can be useful when it is treated as information rather than punishment. It can show us where we have moved away from our values. It can reveal a conversation that needs to happen, a dream we have abandoned or a decision we keep delaying.

A systematic review of 31 studies found that life regret is meaningfully connected to wellbeing, although its effects depend partly on whether people can still act, make sense of what happened or adapt their goals. That distinction matters. Regret about something we cannot change may require acceptance, forgiveness or a new meaning. Regret about something we can still change is an invitation.

Picture your 90-year-old self sitting opposite you. Don't imagine a generic older person. Imagine you. Your face, older. Your voice, quieter perhaps, but still recognisably yours.

This version of you knows how the story unfolded. They know which worries mattered and which ones consumed years for no reason. They know who stayed, what you lost and what you nearly missed.

What would they want to ask you? Would they ask why you didn't send the application? Why you stayed silent? Why you kept postponing joy until you felt worthy of it? Why you spent so much time trying to please people who were never going to approve of you? Why you didn't visit, forgive, leave, begin, rest, dance, write, travel or say "I love you" while you still could?

Or would they reach across the years and thank you? Thank you for being brave. Thank you for choosing the life that felt true. Thank you for looking after their health. Thank you for staying close to the people who mattered. Thank you for not giving up during that difficult chapter. Thank you for beginning before you felt ready.

We can't create a life with no pain, mistakes or missed opportunities. We can't control illness, bereavement, economic circumstances, other people's choices or every outcome. And we should be careful not to turn "no regrets" into another impossible standard.

The goal is not to make perfect decisions. It is to reduce avoidable regret: the regret that comes from repeatedly betraying what we already know matters.

Ask yourself whether you are at risk of regretting:

Don't use the list to frighten yourself. Use it to identify what still has time to change.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into four areas: Mind. Body. Relationships. Purpose.

For each area, complete these sentences:

Your answers might be large: "I need to leave a career that is making me ill." Or very small: "I need to call my sister."

Both matter. A life changes through major decisions, but it is also shaped by the calls we make, the invitations we accept and the small promises we stop breaking to ourselves.

Whenever you face an important decision, imagine yourself looking back at it from a rocking chair at 90.

Ask:

This does not mean taking every risk or behaving recklessly. Sometimes your 90-year-old self will tell you to leap. Sometimes they will tell you to save money, protect your health, walk away or stop proving yourself. Wisdom is not always dramatic.

Many potential regrets live inside relationships. The apology we rehearse but never give. The gratitude we feel but never express. The love we assume someone already knows.

Don't wait for a funeral to describe what someone meant to you. Tell them now. Send the message. Make the visit. Ask the question. Take the photograph — and then put the phone down and be in the moment.

You don't need to repair every relationship. Some boundaries are necessary, and some endings protect us. But where love remains, give it somewhere to go.

Many of us are waiting. Until we have more confidence, our body changes, work calms down, until there is more money, the children are older. Until we know exactly what we are doing.

Some delays are necessary. But others become a hiding place. Your life is not a rehearsal for the more impressive life you plan to live later. This is the part your 90-year-old self will remember.

Don't make it only a bucket list of countries and spectacular experiences. Include the person you want to become and the way you want everyday life to feel.

Before I am 90, I want to:

Then ask: which part of this can I begin now?

Perhaps one of the best things we can do is spend time with older people before we become old ourselves. Volunteer in a care home. Visit an older relative. Sit with someone who has lived through several versions of the world.

Don't arrive only to give advice, provide entertainment or "help the elderly." Arrive ready to listen.

Ask:

You may discover that the person you thought you were helping has given you something invaluable: perspective while you still have time to use it.