Why attention is the currency of love — and how to bring it back into our relationships

Attention says: I see you. I hear you. What you are saying matters to me. You are important enough for me to stop what I am doing and be here.

We can say "I love you" every day. We can buy gifts, pay bills, organise holidays and do hundreds of practical things for the people we care about. But attention is harder to fake.

Someone can usually tell when we are waiting for them to finish rather than genuinely listening. They can feel when we are looking through them, rushing them or thinking about something else. They know when our eyes keep returning to the phone on the table.

This is why attention is such a powerful form of love. It costs something increasingly precious: our presence.

Most relationships are not strengthened or weakened by one dramatic event. They are shaped through hundreds of seemingly insignificant moments. "Look at that." "Do you know what happened today?" "Can I tell you something?" A sigh from the other side of the room. A hand reaching across the sofa. A joke that only the two of you understand.

Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman describe these moments as bids for connection — small attempts to receive attention, interest, affection or reassurance from another person. We can respond to a bid by turning towards it, turning away from it or turning against it. Turning towards might be as small as looking up and saying, "Show me," or asking, "What happened next?" Turning away might be continuing to scroll, offering a distracted "mmm" or not noticing the attempt at all.

The Gottman Institute reports that, in its observational research, couples who remained together responded positively to each other's bids far more frequently than those who later separated — 86% compared with 33%. The important point is not that anyone must respond perfectly. It is that lasting connection is built through a repeated pattern of noticing and responding.

Love is often less about making grand gestures and more about answering the small question hidden beneath everyday conversation: are you here with me?

Psychologists use the term perceived partner responsiveness to describe the feeling that another person understands us, validates our experience and cares about us.

Research identifies this responsiveness as a central part of intimacy and relationship satisfaction. When people experience their partner as caring, understanding and appreciative, they are more likely to open up, feel close and respond with care themselves.

In other words, intimacy does not arise only because we reveal something personal. It grows when what we reveal is received. Listening is part of that process. High-quality listening — showing attention, asking thoughtful questions, reflecting back what we have heard and trying to understand the emotion as well as the words — helps people feel acknowledged and connected.

The research on phones is also difficult to ignore. "Partner phubbing" — ignoring or interrupting a partner in favour of a phone — has been associated with greater loneliness and lower relationship satisfaction. However, the evidence is more nuanced than simply saying that having a phone nearby automatically harms every conversation. Some studies have failed to replicate the claim that the mere presence of a phone reduces relationship quality. The clearer problem is what we repeatedly do with it: allowing it to interrupt, replace or outrank the person in front of us.

The phone is not always the real issue. The issue is the message our behaviour can send: something else is more important than this moment with you.

Disconnection rarely announces itself. It begins quietly. We stop asking follow-up questions. We talk mainly about logistics. We sit in the same room but occupy different worlds. We assume we already know what the other person thinks. We postpone meaningful conversations until a better time that never arrives.

Eventually, one person may stop making bids for attention because being ignored feels more painful than staying silent. We can then mistake the silence for contentment.

This can happen in romantic relationships, but also between parents and children, adult siblings, friends and family members. People do not always need us to fix their problems. Often, they need to know that their inner world still matters to us.

Distraction doesn't necessarily mean the love has gone. But it can prevent love from being received.

Reconnection doesn't require a perfect weekend away or an enormous emotional conversation. It begins by returning our attention to the moments we already share.

Set aside 20 minutes with no phones, television or other distractions.

Take ten minutes each to answer these three questions:

The person listening should not interrupt, defend or solve. Ask one or two questions to understand more, then reflect back what you heard: "What I think you're saying is…"

At the end, each person chooses one small action for the coming week. Not a promise to transform the whole relationship. Just one visible act of attention.

Reconnecting is not only about putting down your phones and having deeper conversations. Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to be analysed. It needs fresh air, laughter, novelty and play.

When life becomes busy, couples can slowly turn into colleagues running a small organisation. They discuss shopping, appointments, children, money and work, but stop doing the things that once made them feel alive together.

Studies of couples suggest that taking part in novel and exciting activities together can increase feelings of closeness and relationship satisfaction. The activity doesn't need to be expensive or dramatic. What matters is stepping out of autopilot and sharing an experience.

Try creating three lists together: things we already love doing, things we used to enjoy but have stopped doing, and things neither of us has tried before. Then choose one — however small — each week.

You could cook a meal from a country you would love to visit, take a walk somewhere new, make a shared playlist and dance in the kitchen, play cards, try a class together, recreate an early date, or have a "yes evening" where you agree to try something the other person enjoys.

Fun creates moments when we stop discussing the relationship and start experiencing it.